Apr
30

Posted in Cable be evil | Comments Off

A Dear Cable Letter

The story you are about to read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Dear Charter,
I know Dr. Thomas said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but our time apart has given me the clarity to truly analyze our issues. While I still love you, I believe we’re no longer the same two people who fell in love so long ago.
I can still remember our first date. It was a blustery cold January evening. I was supposed to attend the Janet Jackson concert. However, I came down with a nasty case of the sniffles, so instead you brought Ms. “if you’re nasty” Jackson to me! The generosity you showed me that night was unlike anything I had ever seen before… I was hooked!
From that moment on we were inseparable. From Tyson vs. Holyfield 1 & 2 to the series premiere of The Sopranos—you were always by my side. For one low price I was given complete access to an entertainment package that was truly life changing… unfortunately the courtship wouldn’t last forever.
Over time I feel the relationship started to become less about us and more about your wants and needs. When you got into financial trouble, who did you turn to? Me. However, when I had an issue with our relationship, were you available to talk? No! You would just direct our conversation to your cousin in India. How is Raj, by the way?
So what is the point of this message, you ask? Is this my way of trying to convince you to change? Simply put… no. I know life isn’t a John Hughes movie. No note—no matter how poignant—can convince someone to change their outlook on life. Your priorities have changed and that is totally cool. Just don’t expect me to stand by your side.
Oh, and if you think I will be lost without you—think again! I have rebounded quite nicely, thank you. Her name is Antenna Ally and she allows me to watch all of my favorite programs in HD for—get this—FREE! No more monthly fee!
The real question now is: what should I do with all the money I save? I do know who I won’t be spending it on… YOU!
Have a nice life,
Cory

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