CSI: The Death of Cable
Since crime scene dramas are the most-watched television programming for over-the-air viewers, we decided to use that medium to help you understand the dire straits in which cable providers have found. Scene opens on a wealthy tycoon’s office.
We had seen carnage before that day. But never any quite as mysterious. Cable Paymoor’s bloated body slumped forward in his throne-link office chair. The millionaire tycoon’s comb-over blew gently in the breeze of the open floor-to-ceiling windows. Piles of cash stacked around him escaped through the windows bill-by-bill.
My partner and I had been called to his residence after reports that he had not been heard from for days. We knew this was not out of character for Paymoor. He had a habit of going off the grid for days at a time and missing appointments. But this time, something much more deadly had happened.
“It appears there are no signs of forced entry,” said my partner.
“Well, that’s no surprise,” I said. “No one could penetrate this palace if they tried. No. I think what caused the demise of Cable is something more mysterious.”
We moved closer to Paymoor’s body and noted the open wound on his forehead. On the screen in front of him were the latest statistics on the number of Cable subscribers. It looked like he lost over 1.7 million subscribers.
In front of him lay a copy of the New York Times with the headline, “Cord Cutting Movement is Costing Cable Millions.” A pattern of blood splatter on the desk spelled out all we needed to know. Paymoor had died of self-inflicted wounds. He had smashed his head on the desk in frustration over losing his market share.
“My god,” I said. “Cable died of a broken heart. It appears this over-the-air option has driven Paymoor to the brink. He obviously couldn’t take it.”
On the desk next to the headlines I notice a cake. It read “MANY THANKS. STAY THE COURSE. XOXO Antennas Direct”
I turn to my partner: “Heh. I guess being a cable CEO is not such a sweet job anymore.”